Tuesday, February 2, 2010

That reoccuring question...

So, I'm sitting here admittedly feeling a little sorry for myself. I find myself asking that question, "why me"? It's something we all ask ourselves at least once in a lifetime, but there is no denying I've asked it numerous times. It's usually something regarding health: why WAS I diagnosed with cancer? why DOES MY back hurt horribly every day? why CAN'T I seem to stay healthy? or, money-related: why ARE MY student loans exceeding 60K? why DO I still have to live with my parents? why DO I still NOT have a job? Boo Hoo. I'd be a liar if I said I never asked why me...but I do realize that everything happens for a reason, and I do have it very easy and I shouldn't complain. But tonight I can't get that question off my mind.

I feel like I'm in this trap-

I had to have this ridiculous "minor" foot surgery last Thursday. No big deal. I had to have it done. Health comes first, right? So I schedule it, take off the weekend, and go in assuming it won't be anything. I was wrong. Since Thursday I've been in tremendous pain, well only when I walk, but still- how can I possibly sit around constantly? Whatever. Actually I didn't mind taking off the weekend. I never have weekends off, so it was nice. I took a million naps, worked on my portfolio, stalked on facebook, etc. It is now Tuesday, and I still cannot walk without feeling like I am dying. I had to miss a meeting Sunday, call off work Monday, Tuesday, and now tomorrow. I don't even know what I'm going to do about Thursday, which is a 7 hour shift of me on my feet the entire time. I'm freaked out.

Not a huge deal, but it poses a few problems.

1. I feel guilty for having this surgery done, but I shouldn't because I had to have it done.
2. Missing all this work is really hurting me financially this month. I have to pay off interest on my private ("student loan") notes to extend them, etc, etc- meaning Jan and Feb I have no money left over after all my payments, but missing work leaves me negative wondering how I will pay these bills, plus my regular student loans, and medical bills, insurance, etc.
3. I am scared I am going to get in trouble for missing this much work.
4. I am stir-crazy from sitting, it gets old fast.
5. Even though I feel guilty for some crazy reason, if I didn't do the surgery it would get worse fast, and in turn be more expensive.

I don't want sympathy- I just wanted to share my constant revelation that I always seem to forget about: I don't know exactly why things happen that make me question how the world works, but I do know that they are there to make me a stronger person.

Simple. These tasks/burdens/obstacles will in turn teach me to be better with my money, keep myself healthier, and teach me to work harder.

Nobody asks for bad things to happen, but they happen, and it's not fair. No matter what I'm dealing with I don't always remember to automatically accept it. I go through the guilt/anger/worry phases, and then realize it'll make me stronger in some way/shape. So now I see, despite this stupid medical burden I'm dealing with, it's there to make me a better person. I should not complain because I know how easy I have it. And in regards to my last post, my advice on worrying is to not worry. Obviously in my case it causes physical and mental disarray, making the situation worse. In my experience, life works best when you accept and understand. The question "why me" will never be answered, but if dealt with maturely, you can make amends with whoever is out there in this universe making decisions on what happens in our lives.


  1. Hang in there Kate! I think you are a real inspiration to others and you are becoming a stronger person by believing in yourself and looking beyond these setbacks to try to understand the bigger picture! SS

  2. Thank you! You are very inspirational as well, and you and your family have helped me with so much, and for that I'm very thankful!